The weekend yo

I had a dinner party this past weekend. It turned out really good and I think everyone had a great time. The best part? I was the only woman! Way to increase my odds!  heh heh

Seriously, everyone knows I have some really great girlfriends (most of them live somewhere else, but I have a few who live close) - but I tend to make friends with guys (they are way easier and take less time to get ready). It’s been that way my entire life and I haven’t quite yet figured it out. I’m sure some of my girlfriends know the answer. Anyway, I’m not complaining, in fact, I like that I can hang with guys and be comfortable and relaxed.

Brody loves to entertain. That kid is going to be an event planner! He loves the idea of people coming over and loves to help. He doesn’t like to help with actual work, but he will “help” with entertaining. On Saturday night he made everyone sit in their chairs so he could show them rocks he’d collected. A big hit with the guys!

It’s been hard adjusting to single life – there are parts that are very easy. Then there are parts that totally suck. Preparing for a dinner party on your own is one of the sucky parts.  Fortunately for me, one of my friends ROCKS in the kitchen and he whipped up some amazing appy’s. We had delicious fresh oysters with some concoction Louisiana Joe whipped up as a topping to the oysters (a BIG shout out to Joe for shuckin em too!), Bryan made some delicious cheesy garlic bread (fortunately he made too much so I had it for lunch the next day) and the best salad I have ever eaten. I made ricotta stuffed manicotti and a pork roast. Oh and did I mention the margaritas? Yowzers!!  I did a bottle count the next day and those boys could drink some beers!

Seriously, one of the best nights I’ve had in a long time. It was great to sit around the firepit in the backyard and talk shit. I’m still trying to convince Jason to learn this (NSFW) so he can teach me and we can be the oldest white people on the planet doing the crip walk.

I tried something new!

I know, I know – y’all think I’m lying. But I swear to all things chocolate that I tried something new this weekend. I am normally not a risk taker or an adrenaline junkie – so agreeing to go white water rafting was something out of my comfort level. Over the past 10 months or so, I have been working really hard on creating friendships with good people. You’d be surprised at all the duds (not good friends) that I’ve met along the way.

My friend Joey is the organizer extraordinaire. He planned a white water rafting trip and I agreed to accompany him and his girl Brooke on the trip.  We had some other friends lined up but I hadn’t spent any significant amount of time with them – so it would include new(ish) people as well (except Keith, he and I go waaaaay back). This week has been craptastic and I was not looking forward to getting up at 6:30 am on a Saturday morning so I could help Joey cross another “must-do” off his list.

After finishing homework on Friday night, my girl Jenn and I went to the Rellik for a beer. We had a great time flirting shamelessly with the bartender and bar back (don’t you just love that name?).  Jenn showed Ed (the bartender) and I some amazing photos and we had a really great time. In fact, it was 2:00 am before we left the bar! By the time I got home and got ready for bed, it was close to 3:00 am. (gasp). A mere 3.5 hours later and I was up – getting ready for the 2 hour drive up to the south fork of the American River. 

Can I just say, the lack of sleep and long drive was worth every single minute! Every anxiety or period of bitchiness I had was worth it! I had one of the best days EVER! Not only was the rafting amazing, but the people I connected with have confirmed that I am finally on the right path with friends!

We ran the river! EXTREME!  We were on the “slow” part of the river so that means, Class 2 and 3 rapids. But the experience and memories we created as a group of friends made up for the slower parts of the river. We had an amazing time and are planning another trip. Who’s in?

The day the universe was against me…

Today was the first day of school for everyone in this house.

Brody started first grade.

Evan started kindergarten.

Mommy started the last two classes of her associate’s degree.

No picture

We woke up late. Well, really, who wouldn’t? With all the partying we do up in here. I think the entire household was asleep by 9:20 last night.

Evan and Brody didn’t want to wake up. It took 4 trips to their bedroom before either of them stirred. It was a gorgeous morning – boiling hot this entire weekend, but the morning was cool. The kind of morning where you didn’t want to get out of bed because you are so cozy in your blankie.

For the love of god, no one could comb their own hair!

Breakfast… whatev… no one needed it!  Until it was the last minute and I’m shoving a bagel down their throats.

Lunches… usually made the night before. Made with love and thought to nutrition and the energy they’d be expending. The fuel to feed their bodies … neglected in favor of sleep. Rushed the morning of the first day of school (how could I be so silly to think I could wake them, dress them, feed them AND make lunches all in the same morning?)

The route to school is new. And long. And full of traffic. Including Rafael’s Landscaping, the driver of this vehicle was so safe and doing exactly 4 miles less than the speed limit. On any other day, I would have remarked on his thoughtfulness and safe driving. Today, as the minutes ticked closer to 8:15 – I cursed as he muddled his way through the neighborhood streets. I’m sorry I called you an idiot under my breath so the children wouldn’t hear. I only wanted to get my son to school on time and not have to do the walk of shame THROUGH the office to retrieve a tardy slip. How horrible is it that my son was late for his FIRST DAY OF SCHOOL??

I had the entire route planned out. I wanted to drop Evan off first – then make my way over to Brody’s school. I wanted to hug them both and assure them their day would be wonderful. Instead, Evan and I walked Brody to his classroom – through the office (walk of shame) and got lectured by the principal about parents walking kids to their classrooms on the first day of school. bah.

I cried on the way to Evan’s school for several reasons. It was emotional leaving Brody at the school for first grade (NOT Grade one, as I was taught). I was embarassed for getting him to school late. I was frustrated over the length of the drive!  And finally, let’s not forget how sorry I feel for myself when I am homesick.

Eventually, all boys were dropped off at school and I made my way back home. During the drive, I didn’t even want to sing to the radio … I listened and reflected on how quickly time passes. I don’t regret any of the past events that brought my children to me. I love them. I’m a lucky momma and I will never forget it. All of the emotions were worth it.

Oh? You want to know where I’ve been?

June came and went – kicking my butt in the process. I started two new classes, dropped my kids off in Canada with their suckers… err grandparents and had an amazing visit with friends and family while I was at it. Coming home was a different story.

During the trip home I managed to see Mom, Dad, Bob, Kristy, Auntie Di, Uncle John, Grandma Z, Grandma M, her boyfriend John, Jennifer, Riley, Harper, Tammy, Trevor, Tylynn (sp?), Taylor, a distant cousin of my mom’s and her two grandkids, Bernadette, David, Michaela (SP?), Ericka, Anastasia, SAM, SAM’s family, Robin, Jenae, Richard, Tracey, Matt, Carter, Brad, Anita, Anat, Raffi, Noah, Eva, and last but NOT least Maya. Sorry if I didn’t get to see you – it doesn’t mean I don’t love you. I had an action packed week full of beautiful people! And it made me more homesick than I usually am.

I have an entire summer (give or take) to get the house in order and that is EXACTLY what I am going to do. First and foremost, I need to clean up the horrible clutter and crap that has magically accumulated since moving in in 2001. I want to clean the garage, do some planting in the backyard (or at least plan for the fall), and I want to touch up the paint.  I want to hang out with friends and meet new people.

The past couple of weeks have been hard – not only was I physically exhausted, I was mentally pooped as well. Minnie and her babies have been exhausting (I just sighed while saying that). I have 2 kittens adopted out already and am hoping to get the other two into awesome homes as well.  They are big now… and fluffy. Fluffy and big.

I was very overwhelmed in June, but things have calmed down. I have decided to make some changes in my life – big Big BIG changes. Those of you who know me – know when I am serious about something and I am SERIOUS about these changes. I need to get my life back on track for my sake and the sake of my boys.  I’m going to do what Franklin Covey told me to do, make long term goals and break them up into short term, achievable goals. Then, I’m going to paste those goals on the fridge so they slap me in my face every single day. I love lists, I usually make them – then the list gets a stain from a glass (or beer), it gets soiled when drops of food fall onto it and serves as scratch paper when I’m trying to find out if the pen still works.  This way, by pinning the list up ONTO something, it will stay protected. I might even laminate it.

Still in the process

I suck at updating this blog lately. I used to blog all the time, I had a rhythm – I was remotely funny. Now, it seems it’s all I can do to remember my lunch for work.  Some days, I forget the damn thing in the fridge and end up having to eat out.

I would have to say, after 8 months or so, that I am still in the process of defining myself and who I am.  I am still recovering and still healing. I thought recovering from losing my marriage wouldn’t have taken such a long time. I know 8 months isn’t a long time, I just thought it would take less time than it is taking. It makes me wonder how long it will take. Any soothsayers out there?

In 25 days I am taking the boys to Canada so they can spend a large portion of their summer with my parents. Brody is constantly asking “how many more days” and mom is emailing “26 more days!”  I’m not sure what Evan thinks about it, I have a feeling he’s too lazy to even consider pondering what his summer will be like. As long as he can sit on the couch and order up more chocolate milk, I doubt he even cares where he is spending his summer. He could spend it in a box down by the river – as long as that box had a never ending supply of chocolate milk, he’d be happy.

In 32 days, I will be without children for the summer. I have lofty goals:

1. Get my poop in a group (it’s been roaming aimlessly)
2. Organize the office/craft room
3. Have new floors installed (I am dreading the amount of work this means for me)
4. Organize the garage (all of Michael’s things MUST go to Michael’s house)
5. Personalize the house (this sounds silly, but I’m bored with it and the way it is now reminds me too much of my past life)
6. Make some new friends (god darn it!)
7. Exercise more and eat better (or exercise better and eat more)

I guess they probably don’t look too lofty, but they feel lofty. Trust me. I currently have as much motivation as Evan does to help me with the household chores (ie. none). I’d also like to do some camping and maybe head to So-Cal to visit some friends.  I really wanted to go to my cousin’s wedding but it’s in Edmonton and I didn’t want to risk seeing the boys midway through their visit with my parents for fear they’d want to come home with me.  Not that I don’t love them, but I want them to have their summer of freedom – rather than being stuck in daycare the entire time.

Maybe I’ll find the motivation. Maybe once the boys are in Canada I’ll be able to focus on myself and getting things in order. Maybe.

Choosing the right people

So, as most of you know – I have been trying to make new friends. As a 30 something single parent, this is not an easy task. I’m awkward in social situations and am so desperate for friends that I think I may smell like desperation. I know what you’re thinking… “how could a totally awesome person have such a hard time finding people to hang out with?” The truth is, I don’t really know.

I’m pretty simple – laid back – funny – smart. All I meet are losers! I thought I met some girls (potential friends) a few weeks ago, but they turned out to be ridiculous (and so very high school)! I get along better with guys, but all the guys I’ve met want me to sleep with them. Not going there. It’s really difficult to meet genuine people who are truthful and fun.

So here I am… on this quest to figure out who I am and on a quest to find some people to hang out with. Wish me luck.

I just want to sit around and eat mashed potatoes

So, it seems Alice and I are on the same schedule. I’m feeling tired and lazy – plus it’s raining outside. All of this adds up to me lying on the sofa, eating mashed potatoes. I might even get fancy and do roasted garlic mashed potatoes. I have chicken out for dinner and nothing goes better with chicken than mashed potatoes. Unless you are Brody – the irish kid – who hates potatoes. Whatever. I keep asking him “Where do french fries come from?” and he says “the store.” One day, he’ll appreciate potatoes as much as I do.

He prefers rice because of the soy sauce. Just wait until I make him fried rice! He’ll lose his mind!

Seriously, I woke up yesterday and thought “today sucks!” That general feeling has not gone away. I’m sure it will – until it does, I’ll be the one chasing potato dishes with large melted chocolate. 

I just heard one of the engineers mutter “piece of shit” to himself over a ladder. I’m right there with ya dude.

Tortilla Chips

Setting the stage:

Momma asks “who wants chips and salsa?” Brody says “Me!” 

So I pour the salsa in a bowl, put some chips in another bowl… and this is how the conversation progressed.

Brody (after realizing there are triangle chips NOT round chips in the bowl): Momma! I want round chips! Where are the round chips?
Momma: Brody, all tortilla chips taste the same no matter what their shape is. Unless the chips are a different color – then they have a different taste.
Brody: I want round chips (now heightening his voice to a whine) I only like round chips. Round chips taste the best!!!  (much whining ensues)
Momma: Brody, trust me – all tortilla chips taste the same! Just try one, I guarantee you’ll like it. Have I ever steered you wrong?
Brody: No! I like round chips only!
Momma: I’ve already told you – we don’t have round chips. I do have blue chips – do you want to try them?
Brody: No! No no no round chips! I want round chips!

Sidenote: I had this same issue with a recipe we got from the hippies for a lemon pound cake. The recipe was like 100 years old, had all of 6 ingredients and is the BEST cake ever. Brody watched us all eat it, me, his dad, Evan… we all had a piece. I brought a bite over to Brody who refused to even put his tongue on the cake. It was so ridiculous his dad had to hold him down while I shoved the cake in his mouth. I did this because I knew he’d like the cake – he is so unwilling to try new food (only for me though, his grandma in Canada doesn’t have this issue AT ALL). When I was a kid, cake was special – it signified a special occasion. To a kid… cake is the ultimate treat!

Here’s where we wrestle. I have a tortilla chip with salsa in my hand and I encourage him to just try 1 bite! Just one bite! I bring the garbage closer to him and ensure him he can spit it right out if it doesn’t taste the same. It goes on like this for 10 minutes. I have come to realize that Brody would not try anything new (food wise) unless I force him to try it.  Here’s where it gets really good…

Brody: Can I have a pop?
Momma: Yep, but you have to try the triangle chips first.
Brody: Momma! That’s not fair!
Momma: Yes it’s fair, try a chip.

Picture my sweet little boy making gagging noises and the most horrible faces that would scare the biggest monsters — all while he whines about how unfair it is! How he wants a pop! How he doesn’t like triangle chips! How he only likes round chips! Why didn’t I buy round chips! Go to the store!

Brody: Ok, I’ll try one chip.

Momma holds the chip for him to bite… he takes a bite and a huge smile shows up on his face! We start to giggle as Brody realizes his momma was right, triangle chips taste the same as round chips. Mommy wins another round!

How I am really feeling (edited for family)

Honestly, if I knew how hard this was going to be, I’d have kept my mouth shut and lived the rest of my life in a mediocre relationship.

No one deserves mediocre, truly. Everyday I often wonder what the heck (I promised mom no more swearing) is going on – what is really happening with me. I am getting divorced (this from a girl who didn’t believe in divorce) and it’s not easy. It’s probably the hardest thing I’ve ever gone through. Divorce does something to a person – to a family. Maybe I’d feel different if kids weren’t involved, it’s hard to say. I can’t (and won’t) say I’m doing this for my kids, I’m not. I’m doing this for me. I’m not saying I didn’t love Michael, I did – and I do. I just wasn’t happy, wasn’t in love and wasn’t willing to sacrifice myself for the cause.

Both of my grandmothers left their husbands. They had their reasons, I’m sure they were good ones. I was a kid at the time – no one talks to kids, so I have no clue why they left. But they did. I think they may have had some of the same feelings that I’m having now, but again, I was a kid – a miniature mushroom left in the dark. No one talked about anything 30 years ago – you just self medicated and went on with life. Now all of  a sudden, you are expected to talk about your feelings – to talk about what happened. It’s healthier – but harder.

The hardest part about all of this is the distance between me and my people.

Brody and I just had a discussion about “mama’s people” who lived everywhere else but where we live. He wondered why we couldn’t have a party. He’s such a social animal, it’s amazing that Evan and I put up with him. So there I am in the Costco parking lot having to explain to my first born why we aren’t having parties all the time. Of course, I layered the truth with thick creamy icing – so that he wouldn’t suspect anything was wrong with his mama. We don’t have parties because my people don’t live here. Plain and simple. He’s a logical kid, that made sense to him. I know there will come a time when I have to admit to Brody that I don’t have parties because I don’t really like having parties. That we’re not having parties because mama can barely keep up with the laundry, nevermind clean the entire house and prepare food for company.

I can’t give him what their dad gives him (everyone who knows my kids knows I’m speaking specifically about Brody -Evan couldn’t give a crap about parties). His dad has an entire family surrounding him. He lives 2 minutes from 10 relatives. My best friend lives 2 hours away and I’m not that good at making new friends; It took me 4 years to find her – which is a pretty good average for me. I have no relatives near me and none of them plan on moving closer. This is not a pity party, this is the truth.

I haven’t been talking lately, mostly bitching to Aronne about my ex. But the truth is, if I don’t get some of this stuff out of my head – I may never sleep again (4 hours just isn’t cutting it, especially with a new job that requires I use my brain).

Part of me (a very very large part) wants to pack everything up and move home. I am going through one of those periods where you need to surround yourself with familiarity and love. I need my mom. I need my dad. I need my people (you know who you are). But since I chose to have babies with a man who lives in a different country than I was raised, I am now suffering the consequences of my actions. Did I think it would end like this? No. Of course not. Everyone gets married and thinks they’ll be married for the rest of their life. I certainly did.

I’m sure my grandmothers thought that way too. It’s just what you do.

My parents (ergo Mom) are quite sensitive to the fact that I am now a single parent. She didn’t say so, but I know my mom has a hard time hearing her daughter is a single parent (especially because she likes Michael so much). Trust me, it’s the last phrase I ever wanted to use to describe myself. My dad is different, he’s a very “matter of fact” kind of guy (just like my Brody), Michael left – so now he’s out – he’s off the island. End of story. Dad’s the guy you call when you need to know how to work the lawn mower or want to be slapped up side the head with the reality of a situation – or when you need to laugh. Admitting to anyone (especially your dad) that your life isn’t how you thought it would be is not that easy. For Dad, the facts are – someone needs to cut the lawn, take out the garbage and feed the boys – get it done. I can admire that, but sometimes you just want someone to tell you everything is going to be okay. He’ll do this – on his own time. I can’t rush it, even though I desperately need him to say it. I need someone I’m going to be okay.

So, how am I feeling? Honestly, I am so overwhelmed with life right now that I’m having a hard time figuring out my feelings. I’m numb most of the time. I’m busy with school and a new job – so taking time out to “feel” is not easy. Usually, it’s my top priority, but there has been so much change lately that I haven’t been able to concentrate on myself. Until things settle down, I’m probably not going to be able to concentrate on myself or moving on from this divorce. That’s just the way life goes. Until then, I’m probably going to feel numb and am probably not going to want to talk about it. That’s just how I roll.

Wii Fit

Every year, I get a bonus from work. It’s nothing major – just some extra money because I accomplished my objectives blah blah blah. Well, every year that I have received a bonus, it’s gone towards our property taxes (it’s an amazing coincidence that the bonus comes 10 days before taxes are due). This year, I have been careful with my money and when the bonus came I wanted to treat myself to something special.

I decided to buy a Wii Fit balance board and the Wii Ski and Snowboard game. I’ve never snowboarded a day in my life, but this game makes me want to buy a board! It is awesome! I initially bought the Fit so that I could exercise any day of the week…  well! The balance games on the disk are AWESOME!

I do have one complaint… when I put in my weight and height – it told me I was overweight! Um hello… hasn’t it been reading my blog? Doesn’t it know that I am big boned? GAWD Anyway, I am happy to report that I have to loose 5 BMI points (not bad) and about 10 lbs for the Wii Fit (dictator) to stop harrassing me everytime I jump on the board.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go wax my snowboard and head down the mountain!