I would tell myself…
…to go to University directly out of high school. It doesn’t matter if you do not know what you want to be when you grow up. You will appreciate that degree so much when you are in your 30’s and wanting employers to take you seriously. Plus, you’ll already have it tucked under your belt and won’t have to spend your evenings doing homework.
…to enjoy the relationship with your brother. He’s the only other person in the whole world with the same exact gene pool as you. He knows more than you think. He’s smart and funny and talented
…Samantha is not as good a friend as you think she is. She is selfish and vain. Don’t get me wrong, she’ll be tons of fun – but she will never be a true friend. Stop trying to impress her, it isn’t going to happen.
…to stay as far away from Matt T as possible. He will rip your heart out and stomp on it – not once but twice. He will treat you like crap and never look back.
…no matter how much it scares you, you need to get out there and live.
…money is not necessary for a happy fulfilling life.
…to travel. You NEED to.
…that no matter how attractive living in California seems you will be lonely and miserable being so far away from your home.
…to convince him to move.
…that motherhood is the hardest thing you will ever do in your life.
…that you will never love anyone or anything as much as you love your children.
…patience is a virtue. You will need every ounce of patience for your children.
…marriage is not easy. It will challenge you everyday and it is hard work keeping it working.
…that it is okay if you don’t fit in. In fact, in your life you will rarely fit in. It really is not worth the struggle.
…you need to let things go. It’s not worth keeping everything bottled up inside. You will be happier for it.
…trust your instints
Man, I am in a mood lately. It’s actually a combination of several moods. I am bored out of my mind. I am anticipating the holidays which leaves me with a sense of impending doom. I am stressed out. To the max. yo.
I am trying to get several items knitted before Christmas, I have promised two pairs of slippers this week (it’s for a good cause). Then I have two more pairs for my neice and nephew in Canada – which means I’ll need to head to the yarn shop. I have all colors of wool, except PINK. Any self respecting three year old girl needs pink slippers. With fuzzy stuff. I love knitting for Harper – it’s so much fun! Plus, I want to make the girls (Briana, Grace, Bridget, and Harper) these cute little leggings. They are adorable! I do love shopping for yarn and finished projects are awesome too.
Anyway, although I love knitting – I set myself up for the impossible and then stress out completely. Last year, I was going to make 9 felted fish for our neices and nephews. I did 3. See what I mean?
For some reason, I find myself bored out of my skull. I have tons to do (trust me) so why am I bored? I have no clue. I can’t even muster up an idea for dinner! Michael will ask me about dinner and I’ll sit staring off into space, with drool coming out of my mouth.
I’m not going to go on about the holidays, we all know how much I dread them. While I was growing up, I was sick every Christmas. Usually throwing up or in bed with the WORST tummy ache. I am a mommy now and I’m excited for the boys, I just don’t know why I dread the holidays as much as I do. sigh. We have decided that we are keeping things super simple this year. The boys are getting 2 presents from us and 1 from Santa. I won’t buy clothes for Christmas, I hated it – I don’t expect my children to like it either. But I will stuff their stockings with stockings and underwear. It’s a tradition!
Michael and I are not exchanging gifts. We live in the times that if you want something – you just go get it. I’d rather he get us something that we need for the house. Like a new TV! We took the plunge and added an extra TV. I don’t need to watch cartoons all evening anymore! I can actually watch an adult show… like the news! Anyone who knows me knows I don’t watch the news – but it’s important to have options! We love the TV, it’s taken away so much drama from our family! Anyway, I might stuff Michael’s stocking with something – but he reads this… so maybe I won’t!
Whatever is going on, I just want it to be over! I’m tired of feeling this dread. bah
We had everyone over to our house for Thanksgiving. It’s always been Michael’s dream to host the holidays – he is a social butterfly. I, on the other hand, like to remain inside a deep dark cavern watching old movies.
I agreed to host (and cook for) Thanksgiving because it means so much to him. As we all know, I dislike the holidays with a passion – plus, Thanksgiving for me was in October. Anyway, we had 22 people over. If you’ve seen my house, you are probably wondering where we put them all. Thankfully, it was about 75 that day – so people gathered on the deck. This is always stressful, because I don’t do well with crowds – especially at my house.
Michael’s brother dropped off a turkey earlier in the week. It was about 25 lbs or so. I let it thaw, brined it, season it, stuffed it and stuck it in the oven. Five and a half hours later – the damn thing still wasn’t cooked. Apparently, you aren’t supposed to stuff a turkey that big. Who knew? This was my first turkey and the gravy sucked! I was so disappointed with the way the food turned out. All the side dishes burned because they were on the BBQ keeping warm and not one person (including me) remembered to check on them. The dessert was good though!
Apparently, I was the only one who was stressing about the turkey not cooking. No one else really cared. Next year, we’re having tri-tip and baked potatoes. That’s IF I agree to another thanksgiving.
Did I ever mention that I hate the holidays? I do. All the crap and expectations that go along with it. Don’t get me wrong, I love presents and surprises – I love seeing the boys get excited… I love the laziness of Christmas day, staying in my pj’s all day. It’s awesome.
For me, the holidays are about family. My family. It used to be my mom, dad, and brother – but now it’s about Michael and the boys. I don’t want to rush around going from place to place, eating dry turkey in an over heated house. I want to sit at home, relax and drink beers. I am making this public – I am NOT going to anyone’s house this year.
Y’all can just make do without me.
I just got back to work after a few days off. I tell ya… I can barely stand to be back here! I want to be at home, organizing and planning supper. I was hit with a few bombs once I got back. Thank goodness for email.
The first bomb was that my former boss, a micromanaging egomaniac got a huge promotion. One that she completely did not deserve. It was so shocking that my teammate actually called me at home to gab and guffaw about this major decision. If there was ever a person who DID NOT deserve a promotion – it was this one. (Names left out to protect the underachieving)
The second bomb was that my teammate and I were left out of an invitation to a holiday luncheon. It’s a luncheon that we have always attended. The whole team from the other facilities all get together and share a lunch during the holidays. What makes it worse is that no one even had the nerve to tell us straight up. We found out in a back handed manner. My TM (teammate) happened to speak to someone who did get an invitation and they said “see you at the luncheon!” To which she replied “which luncheon?” We then found out that we weren’t invited. Of course, we probed further and the explanation was “well, we started cutting people out and then all of a sudden your names were off the list!” I don’t give a crap about the luncheon. I care that none of these people, my so-called friends, did not even stand up and say “ooh this isn’t right, it’s a holiday luncheon we should come together as a group.”
Not only that, but no one told us outright. They just let it fall to the ground and leave us wondering. I am so furious about this. I am trying not to let it put me in a bad mood – I keep thinking “Only 4 more hours until margaritas.” and pizza. Because I am so NOT cooking tonight.
I don’t even want to go to their stupid party. Stupid people. bah.
I am taking a class called “Introduction to World Cultures and Social Environments.” So far, I am a week into it and it has been a great class; I feel that I am going to really enjoy it. In my assigned reading I came across a paragraph that is asking us to develop a personal feeling for the term culture. Easy right? Well, the interesting part of this reading really describes me and what is happening every day in my world. It asks the reader to remember a sibling or friend that you grew up with, our worlds of experiences are similar, we have fought, shared problems and pleasures. Even though you fought, you could put that behind you because you both knew in some way that you belonged together. Then you are asked to imagine that friend or sibling goes away for a time period. Time brought you back together and even though we shared similar experiences growing up, the time apart has changed our relationship (forever) because of the separation.
This is exactly what is happening to me. My relationships with my family and friends from home has changed completely. Forever. Putting this perspective into words and seeing it on paper has completely depressed me. (sigh) While my family members are continuing in their relationships with one another – my relationship to them (and with them) has changed. I am no longer able to drop in on my parents or go see my grandparents. I am not included in birthday invitations or gift exchanges at Christmas. I have a hard time remembering the names of my cousins’ children. My family members don’t really know my children and vice versa. Heck, my kids don’t even know my own brother. They don’t know how funny and smart their Uncle Bob is; that he could fix just about anything. They don’t know how much he loves them, because we see him for such a short period of time I am constantly having to reintroduce everyone. Then my kids spend some time being shy and warming up to their own family members, which cuts in on enjoying their family.
I have to fight for my children to know what it is like to be Canadian. They aren’t. They are American and that’s ok. But I need for them to understand some parts of being Canadian. I need for them to know what a touque is, that Canadians call it “Jam” not “Jelly.” I have made my husband stop calling it jelly – because damnit my kids will call it jam. It’s what I call it, my parents, my brother, my grandparents, and aunts and uncles all call it jam!! Ridiculous? Maybe.
I am having more issues with the small nuances that make up the Canadian culture – rather than the obvious parts of being Canadian (like having snow for 9 months out of the year). I want my kids to know who Mr. Dressup is, to listen to and appreciate Canadian music, and to know what hockey night in Canada feels like. I don’t want it to be a fight, but I am the minority in my house – and while the other family members may not agree that it’s an actual fight – I need for it to be a fight. I am struggling and fighting against another culture so that I can retain my culture; passing it down little by little to my children. Do you know how hard it is to retain your own culture while living away from it?
No matter how badly I want my children to be a part of both cultures, it will never happen. They’ll understand that mommy says things differently (yes, supper is the meal we have in the evening) or does things a certain way because she is from another culture. That she will fight to protect that culture in her life and may even argue and defend her culture to American friends (I just did this on Friday evening). They’ll learn that sometimes Mommy is so homesick for her culture and country that she retreats to her room to sob in her pillow quietly so that she doesn’t disturb or upset Daddy. They’ll maybe even learn to love her culture because they love her.
For me, it’s a shame that they’ll never understand what it means to be Canadian. Right now, I know they don’t even realize what it is like to be American. They are just kids. Kids who, for better or worse – in sickness and in health, come from parents that are from two disctinctly different cultures.
While doing my homework, I overheard Michael’s conversation with Brody:
B: Daddy, can I play the lego game? (It’s a video game for Xbox)
M: Yep, for 15 minutes.
B: 15 minutes!! (he proclaimed excitedly)
B: Is that a long time?
Next week, my mom is flying in to visit and I have taken some vacation time so we can go shopping and spend time together. Usually when mom visits, Michael and I pack up the car as quickly as we can and drive off to any destination void of our children. This time, we’ve decided to actually visit WITH my mom and not use her as the babysitter while we drink and sleep in.
Currently, the Canadian dollar is worth more than the American dollar, so we’ll shop – but she’s totally buying! I told her if I drive she needs to pay for my clothes! HA! As if.
I know that if she buys the clothes, she’ll start doing the things she used to do when she was in charge of my clothes (circa 1984). I’ll have to let her in the change room. She’ll measure to see if my bra fits correctly. Then she’ll ask me to do a deep knee bend to make sure my pants aren’t too tight. She’ll probably comment on how the jeans make my butt look. That’s how she rolls.
I doubt I’ll be able to drag her to any yarn shops, but we will be hitting every Ross or Marshall’s store between here and Sacramento. There is a huge Ross store in Woodland, it’s calling my name. We are going to go to Sacramento because that city reminds me of my hometown! Plus, they have a Nordstrom Rack there!
I’m also going to introduce her to the new babies in the family. Because there is only one thing that we like more than Ross stores and that’s babies! We especially love shopping for babies (see how we combine activities?) I will still have homework due that week, so we can’t get too crazy. Well, maybe just a little bit.