I broke down and went to the urgent care clinic on Monday evening. I could take the pressure in my ear, I could take not being able to hear my children scream at each from the top of their lungs… but when that shooting, stabbing knife-like pain started… well that’s when i drew the line. I arrived at the clinic at about 7:30 – I got checked in at 7:48. There were 2 people in front of me. I can’t wait to return to work and call the man in charge of the clinic. Eighteen minutes!!!
What I discovered yesterday is that the people using the urgent care clinic really don’t understand the concept of urgent. A couple with two children were in line because the youngest member of their family broke out in a rash. uh… I don’t think that is urgent. Maybe it’s just me, but call the advice nurse, give him a little benedryl – send him to bed. He didn’t have a fever but his older brother did manage to wear on the nerves of the rest of us in the clinic. Not only that, but the older brother (all 2 1/2 years of him) managed to touch everything within that clinic – if he didn’t have a fever yesterday, I am quite certain he’s got one today. I’m not saying they shouldn’t have been there… but they shouldn’t have been there.
A guy sprained his ankle. Urgent care? hmmm… I sprained my ankle, I went home and put ice on it. I had it wrapped the next day by a doctor at a regularly scheduled appointment. This man seemed like he was the type of guy who liked drama and attention. Of course, I am totally assuming that he didn’t want to work the next day and needed the doctor note.
A young mother came in because her daughter had stuffed a button up her nose. I’ve been there – Brody stuffed a rubber button from a key chain up his nose. I was so scared. Probably an urgent care need. Ok ok… I’ll stop being such a bitch about it – but I’m totally blaming it on the constant ringing and sharp stabbing pain in my ear.
I thought I had a sinus infection, but I found out that I have the worst adult ear infection the doctor had ever seen. Professionally, it is called otitis media (fancy!) – and my case is so severe that my middle ear is completely swollen, my eustacian tube has failed completely and I have a constant (I’m not kidding – it is non-stop) ringing in my ear. I have a newfound respect for ears. I’ve always loved my ears, I love how sensitive they are. I performed tribal teenage rituals on them by piercing them many many times. I love how they let me hear. I never realized how I take hearing for granted. I think back with shame on all the Helen Keller jokes my brother and I told when we were young. Anyhoo…
Michael says that my strongest sense is my sense of hearing. I attach memories to songs (or uhhh songs to memories) and when I meditate (to go to a good place) I hear the waves of the beach first. He’ll actually see the beach first. So you can imagine the constant ringing in my ear is distracting. I’m supposed to be doing homework right now – but I can’t concentrate on anything I need to read. I’m just going to have to make shit up. It’s okay – I’ve done it before. Don’t be scared for my gpa yo.
I have been ordered to stay home and “lie low.” I can lie low. I took two naps today – jealous? THAT is laying low! I also found out that it could take up to 3 months for the fluid to drain out of my ear. Let’s stop and think about that for a second. Are they kidding??? A couple of months before the ringing stops??? I’ll be in the psych ward before long. My next two classes are basic math (FRACTIONS people!) and financial something or other. What? Don’t laugh at me, I can’t even tell you the current class I’m in. I know it’s BEH225 – but the actual name? hmph. Anyway, how am I supposed to do math with ringing in my ear?? I can barely do math on a good day.
Soooo… we won’t talk about the “stuff” that is coming out of my ear. Let’s just say there is a lot of it. I will not be returning to work until I can walk into the building WITHOUT tissue hanging out of my ear. I’m already such a classy broad – I might as well add white trash to the mix too. Plus, I can’t smell – but I think if I asked someone… ok, I’m stopping right there
In the meantime, I will stay at home, enjoying naps and soft food (I have some “referral pain” down my jaw). I am probably going to work from home for the rest of the week because I cannot sport this sexy tissue hanging out of my ear anywhere else!
Alright, so it appears that I have a sinus infection. The youngest boy has one too. I never realized that a body could produce so much yuck. I have been using about a million tissues per day (multiply that by two – because apparently I’m the only one who cares if my son’s nose is wiped). Evan comes home from school with his nose encrusted over with yuck. My head feels like it is in a vice and is being squeezed… hard. Also, my left ear is so plugged up that it hurts when I chew. It doesn’t really matter, because I don’t feel like eating anyway. The sinus pressure is causing me to believe that all of my fillings are falling out (my dad was a candy salesman when I was a child). I’ve never had much luck with trying to manually unplug my ear – always having to rely on medication (decongestant). I’ll be picking some up on the way home.
Yesterday, my car was involved in an accident. I’m not going to say who was driving the car, but let’s just say the person driving did NOT have a penis. In my household – if you know me – you’ll know who I’m talking about. The car was dropped off at the shop today, the adjuster called and he seems like a pretty good guy. We have been told that the repairs will take two weeks!!! Which means that I am definately renting a car for weekend use – there is no way I can go without a car! I’m not sure what our insurance is going to do after this accident, Michael had previously written off two vehicles (with the same company). It seems we can’t get through a calendar year without an accident. I’m surprised we can still afford the car insurance!
You’ll have to excuse me, I’ve run out of tissues and I’m in code GREEN.
So this is the new format for my posts since this is the only sized font that I can read now.
Today was take your pint sized ball of energy to work day. I took both of my pint sized balls of energy to work – because I am krazee. Actually I am only half krazee because Michael came with me. We all took the train this morning and the boys spent the first hour with me at the office. Never before, have my two boys behaved so well as they did on that morning train. Brody dressed for the occasion, in a suit and tie. Evan looked like he just rolled out of bed, hair was blue and sticky-uppy in the back, boogies in his nose, orange felt marker on his arms and legs. I commented to Michael that this is a look into their college years. Brody will be ultra organized, pre-packing his bag and making his lunch the night before. He’ll dress in clothes freshly pressed and will consider how he smells. Evan will roll out of bed 5 minutes before class, tuck a pen behind his ear and hope the prof doesn’t notice him.
The boys were well behaved, but I think an hour in the office was a little too much for them to handle. You could tell they were done by the way they were running up and down the main hallway in the office, screaming their heads off and repeatedly pushing the button that controls the door to the handicapped bathroom. They also wondered why they weren’t allowed to eat all the candy off of other people’s desk. Hmm…
My boss was a very good sport – bringing in treats like coloring books, fruit loops (to-go!) and fruit snacks.
I (well – not me personally) managed to impress the boys with the amazing view from my building. It just so happens that I work across the street from a lake and a very large green park. I am also on one of the higher floors – making the view spectacular.
The boys were reluctant to leave me today. Was it my winning charm and personality? I wondered what they thought I did all day. I work in a cubicle, in an office – a quiet office – how much fun could I have? Jams in the photo copier aren’t fun for very long. I gave them no impression of hi-jinx or hilarity. The boys heard no laughing – there was no rough-housing or running around (unless you count them) – not even faint music coming from a radio. What kind of kid would want to spend an entire day in a place like that? Maybe the boy in the suit and tie – but the blue haired kid would have stolen all the cookies and donuts from my co-workers and collapse in a sugar induced coma.
The fact of the matter is all kids believe that adults have more fun when they aren’t around (which is true, but I’ll never admit to saying that). I bet the boys thought the shenanigans would start the minute they left! Or (god forbid) that I actually had fun at work? Unless they considered clearing jams from the photocopier and replacing toner cartridges in two printers fun… well then, I was having more fun than I knew what to do with!
Today, I had to adjust the resolution on my computer screen at work. I couldn’t read the words written and was squinting all the time. Squinting.
Oh yes… I am such an attractive broad right now! I am full of mucous and have developed this horrible hacking cough. Between the hacking and the “husky” voice I happened to mention to my cubicle partner that I felt like I sounded like an old cougar hanging out in a bar. Drinking back mickey’s of whiskey and smoking cigars. Her comment was “leave me alone, I’m in the bar!!!!!” Which I found utterly and completely hilarious.
Then I stopped, and realized that I have relatives who fit this bill EXACTLY!
I am having some weird dreams lately. A lot of them have to do with my family and I hiding fugitives from the law. Last night, i dreamt (sp? tense?) that we were hiding this persian guy from Canada in our house while the police searched throughout the neighborhood. I am talking “search” with a capital S! Planes flying overhead with those big lights, everyone had radios, dogs sniffing, barbed wire (not sure why they had barbed wire). Also, had no clue what this guy did – but I believed his story and let him hide in the house. Even suggested he slip into this secret cupboard we had behind our closet while the police searched the house.
After searching our house, they searched the neighbors houses etc. Then, once the entire team left – I helped the fugitive slip out the back door and gave him directions! This is not the first time I’ve had a dream like this. In fact, these dreams have become quite frequent for me. I usually have recurring dreams, i also dream in color. I generally remember my dreams and am able to “pick up where I left off.” So, if I wake up – once I go back to sleep I usually go right back into my dream.
I’m not sure if anyone would have some insight as to why I am dreaming about harboring fugitives in my house (with my children!) – but if you have some insight… I would love to hear it! In my dream, apparently this was common (my hiding people) because Michael came home and wasn’t even mad that a strange person was in our house. Strange. He’s far too conservative for that!
I think I’m going to start a new category for the blog called SNOT. I never knew so much of it could come out of one person! If you find this category gross, go read Stiff by Mary Roach. It’s about human cadavers and the hilarious antics they enjoy after death! Definately not a “lunch time reading” book.
Update on the food stealer: Since I started putting my precious lunch items in a lunch bag – nothing has disappeared. Not even my highly coveted diet coke and prewashed grapes. I am happy to say that when I am hungry, I find my lunch bag untouched in the back of the fridge. Also, high five to the co-worker who cleaned the fridge. It was starting to smell like we kept dead bodies in there.
We have successfully completed 1 evening of no TV. Well, at least until the children were in bed. I needed to study and I cannot do it without background noise and sugar. Without the TV – I was having a hard time concentrating. I feel quite proud of myself, we watched a riveting episode of Antiques Roadshow (they were in Louisville, Kentucky) and Masterpiece Theatre’s version of Jane Eyre. Uh… If you have never seen this, you should try and catch it. To me, it seems like the director was on hallucinogenic drugs at the time of filming. For a movie set a few hundred years ago, there was an awful lot of screaming and flashbacks. Needless to say, Michael and I were riveted! I had to pull myself away at 10:10 because I could no longer keep my eyes open! I paid for that this morning! Tonight, I am vowing to hit the sack at approximately 8:01pm. The boys go to bed at 8:00. hee
Also, thanks to my girl Christina I will be cleaning the grout in our bathroom with the Mr. Clean Magic eraser. She is a lunatic (and quite the party animal) because she spent a ridiculous amount of time scrubbing the grout in her kitchen. My knees can’t take that – so I might recruit the boys to do the scrubbing! What are children for anyway?
Evan and I have the snottiest noses in the history of noses. Day and night we are cleaning noses – with kleenex and baby wipes. Our noses are raw, the color of tomatoes and as tender as an open wound. As gross as it sounds, and seems, we are literally covered in snot.
While watching the Antiques Road Show (I’m a big fan) I learned of the Japanese Seven Gods of Fortune. Wiki has a great description. While searching through the links, I came across this link and discovered that I, too, could have my very own seven gods of fortune cell phone strap with power stone! This is the god that I want to focus on… Fukuru… Fukuroj.. Fukurokujyu – the god of happiness. These gods are the slapstick comedians of gods. You’ll see them in funny poses and situations. In fact, having a whole line of Japanese cell phone paraphernalia should be proof enough of the hilarity of these gods. It’s amazing this internet…
Well, we’ve had quite the weekend. Our neice (she married our nephew) lost her brother this past weekend. It was the most unusual circumstances. It started out as a normal weekend. I went with Aronne to get our monthly B-12 shot. We had the hippies over for supper. I did about 19 million loads of laundry…
Last week, I forgot our crockpot on high and we (well it has) suffered a terrible accident. We are now the woeful owners of a crockpot with pork ribs (and BBQ sauce) burned permanently into it. I’ve tried everything. I’ve left it soaking in the dish with hot water and soap. I’ve poured boiling water into it, tried scraping the ribs off. We have plugged it in and cooked the yuck on high all day. Nothing has budged inside that pot since that fateful day. We now find ourselves in the market for a new crockpot.
I was speaking with my mom on the phone and that’s when we got the phone call about our neice’s brother. I didn’t know him well (actually at all), but we love our neice very much and we are hurting because of her pain. All we can do is be here for her when she needs us.
Uh ok… I’m a month into my new position, in a new building, in a new city. I realize that “where I come from” is different than what I am witnessing right now. But I swear to all things lovely and beautiful that if one more person eats my lunch from the fridge – I WILL GO POSTAL (on their asses). I try not to swear on this site because goodness knows, my grandmother might read it – but I feel the need to curse up a storm!!!!
I was at an offsite meeting last week and happened to have 2 or 3 diet cokes in the fridge. When I came back after the meeting, all of the cans were gone. Ok… it’s soda – no big deal right? I mean, they are not good for me, so I should be thankful right? Wrong-o! I forgave the soda. I bring my lunch in, because I’m in the big city y’all!! It costs about 10 bucks for a sandwich. Uh..? Anyway, today I brought in washed grapes, in my own container, off the stem. Guess what??!!? Some total jackass ATE MY GRAPES!
Of course, I would love to go rambo up in here… but as I stated earlier, I’ve only been here a month. I do NOT want to be that person (whining about their red stapler from the boiler room in the basement) everyone stays away from because “she’s crazy.” But seriously… who does that? Who would reach into an unknown container and eat someone else’s food? Would you have the cajones to go into the fridge and take grapes (in a high-end container don’tcha know) and actually eat them? I know I don’t have the balls to do that! The savage I am dealing with wears extra large underwear.
I am at a loss as to what I should do. Here is where I need help internet. Aside from adding laxatives to my tasty meals (to deter further thieving) what can I do to stop this? Do I bring lockable containers? Where am I going to find lockable containers? Do I let my lunch get warm? I absolutely cannot carry anything else on the train – it slows me down. Everything must fit into my current bag. Do I just forage from the earth bringing nuts and berries? And what about my daily soda (to keep me awake mid-afternoon)??? Am I supposed to drink that warm? argh… Ok internet (all three of my loyal readers) – I need some suggestions!
In the meantime, I’m having the container dusted for fingerprints. SAVAGESSSSSSSS!!!!