My class on behavioral science is ending on Sunday. I’m excited because I’ve pretty much hated this class since day one. I am in the midst of writing my final paper and have had to do quite a bit of research into personalities etc. I’ve taken so many online personality tests and believe it or not, it’s been very helpful for me. I am now understanding how I operate. I am also understanding why I react to certain things the way I do.
I’ve never really paid attention to Psychology before. Never had an interest. During these past nine weeks I have come to discover that I study better with background noise. I respond more to music and smell than I do pictures and that I am often late with assignments because I need to make them perfect. sigh. I have also done quite a bit of research with my parents and have discovered that I spent a good portion of my childhood playing on my own. I preferred my own self over the company of others! Not anti-social… just introverted. I don’t find myself anti-social now, but I am definately better when I’m alone. I wondered if I was becoming more introverted as time progressed. According to mom, I have always been this way.
I took the Myers-Briggs test online and discovered that I am an INFP. We are a scarce breed, making up only about 1% of the population. I made Michael take the test and he’s an ENTJ (hardly more than 2% of the population). You can see that we only have one letter in common – the N stands for Intuitive. I’m introverted – he’s extroverted. We are both intuitive. I use feelings – he thinks. I use perception he uses judgement. According to the websites, etc. we are the least likely couple. To give you an example… Albert Einstein is a famous person with the same personality as Michael. Mary, the mother of jesus is my example.
This process of discovering our personalities with more depth is actually going to help us communicate better. As long as he’s willing to communicate with me. He’ll understand that I will rely on my feelings first and the feelings of others next and I’ll understand that he’ll use logic to analyze the situation first and not even worry about feelings.
I’ve had to interview a person for this paper and I chose a friend from work. In the pre-writing process I have discovered something very interesting. Maybe not to anyone but myself. Anyway, when I was around 5 or 6 (maybe older) my younger cousin (around 2 or 3) was involved in a very bad accident and received 3rd degree burns to 75% of her body. I distinctly remember the first time I saw her after the accident. She had bandages all over her arms and legs, her face was covered in bandages. Honestly, she looked like a mummy. My great uncle was trying to describe her situation so that we could better understand what had happened (we were kids, I’m sure he felt we were freaked out). He wanted me to hug her, I guess to show her love and support or maybe to reassure her. I remember that I couldn’t hug her. I wasn’t afraid of her or scared by her appearance, I was more afraid that I would hurt her and put her in more pain than she was already in. I remember wanting to take care of her and protect her. I also remember how my body ached. Literally. I could not ever imagine the pain she was in or the torture she went through. Her bandages had to be replaced often, she had skin grafts done. But I distinctly remember how my body hurt when I stood near her. I had not really ever thought about that day until today.
I realize now how intuitive I am and that I keep a wall up to protect myself. That wall is necessary in my life so that I don’t feel the pain of others. This wall protects me from pain and misery.
I remember the night my dad’s dad passed away. It was New Year’s Eve and I had tickets to a special event. I don’t remember who I was going with, but I remember getting on the city bus and arriving at the event. It was about 11:00 pm or so. I don’t think I attended with close friends, because I would have remembered who was there with me. I checked my coat and had maybe 1 or 2 beers. By about 11:30 – 11:45 I was sick. Very very sick that I needed to take a cab home. I wasn’t drunk – but I was going to be physically sick. (I’ve had stomach issues my whole life, I’m a puker. Always have been.) I got home and went to bed only to wake up to the phone ringing, my dad called me at 7:00 am on New Year’s Day to tell me his dad had passed away. I stayed home from work for the whole week. I could not stop crying, my heart ached and hurt so much. I don’t remember eating that week either. That’s not like me at all. That was the week I finished construction on my wall – January 1995. My mom’s dad died later that year and I was affected, but not to the extent as when my dad’s dad passed.
I love figuring out who I am. For so many years, I neglected this part of myself. I pushed feelings, emotions and gut instincts down. I was trying to be a part of the fun group (or group I thought was having fun) in order to get out of my own reality. What I wished I had realized back then was that I was exactly where I was supposed to be.