I frequently watch videos on ted.com – this is a fascinating website that showcases extraordinary talks that people give to an audience to inspire, to teach, and to expand. I listened to Jill Bolte-Taylor describe a stroke she suffered in her left hemisphere, I just watched (and cried) through a talk that Rick Smolan gave about an adoption he helped to facilitate. There are a few places on the website that discusses membership and I thought to myself “I would love to be a member, to attend these extraordinary conferences across the country.” So I went to the application page. Since I do not have $6,000 for a membership – I thought I could apply for a fellowship membership. I went to the page and realized that I don’t feel I would have anything to contribute to TED or any of the other members. Sure, I’ve had a couple of babies, I am currently expanding my mind through education – but I don’t really have anything to contribute. I don’t have extraordinary tales or teachings to share, I can’t even tell a person how to grow tomatoes. I tend to doubt myself a lot and have very little to show for my creativity.
I have never really belonged to a group – well… that’s not entirely true. I did belong to 4-H as a kid, then the debate team in Grade 9 – then the men’s basketball team throughout high school. I did their stats. Instead of feeling sorry for myself, I am going to take this “slap in the face” as an opportunity to start actually living creatively and through inspiration. Michael and I both agree that our current life is not the one we’d like to live. We are feeling very connected to each other right now; something that we’ve worked hard to achieve. I’m going to take more classes about things I want to learn about – things that don’t necessarily have to do with any particular degree. I want to take some horticulture classes, Michael and I have discussed horse lessons, and I want to take some art classes. I’m tremendously tired of feeling useless (even though I KNOW I am NOT useless) and I want to be able to express myself creatively. I am also going to take classes that will help me teach my children to express themselves creatively.
I feel like I have pissed away a good portion of my life. There are so many things that I want to do – but do not do because I lack motivation or am just too lazy. As much as I miss my boys (who are having a fab time with grandpa and grandma right now) I am going to take this opportunity to simplify our lives. We had dinner at the hippies’ house last night and heard that her sister is home schooling their children. I realize that I could never do that (a woman needs to know her limitations); but I could do weekend journeys with the boys to teach them things in a fun way. In the past, I would have probably let this whole ted thing really bring me down; I probably would have had recurring dreams about it (maybe even nightmares). I’m going to find a group to join and start living my life rather than just merely existing. I know I have a lot to offer – I just need to find the right path. Wish me luck!