Love, in and out

December 6, 2008 at 3:05 pm (Melodie, Shit)

As I continue on my journey to freedom (as I lovingly call it), I have become amazed at how one person can disappoint another … and go to such great lengths to achieve that disappointment – so quickly. I am also amazed at how quickly a person can fall out of love with another. It seems to me that falling in love takes an enormous amount of time and energy. You get up each morning, put a smile on your face and completely convince someone else that you are worthy of loving. Worthy of sharing your life with them. Falling out of love was really quick. I liken it to falling off a building. There is nothing to stop the fall – except the cold hard ground. Once you hit that ground, you are expected to get up, dust yourself off and start climbing back up the stairs to the top.

I have had a lot of time to contemplate such thoughts lately… locked away in my bedroom at night while the world passes me by (lord knows I haven’t been doing my homework). Locked inside my head or feeling the emptiness inside my soul, kicking myself for decisions (good and bad) that have shaped my life and the lives of my children. At this point, I don’t think that I have cried nearly enough or have yelled as much as I should… I also think that I should have consummed more alcohol by now… but it’s been surprisingly absent from my life. Having already been down the “alcohol cures everything” road once before (about 15 years ago), I know that it is not the answer to my problems. It merely creates new problems to deal with.

To say that I’ve been the pinnacle of health lately would be a gross exaggeration. In fact, I have lost 12 pounds and cannot remember the last time I had three complete meals in a day. I’m eating like a squirrel – errr probably worse than a squirrel. There are times when I’m starving and will eat and eat… then there are days when I have not had anything more than a diet coke. Trust me, it’s not on purpose. I can safely say that I now understand the power of fasting… mine was unintentional and not for any great cause. Merely suffering with pain and stress.

Physical aspects make fasting impossible to ignore. I have heard of people fasting for a certain cause, fasting as a diet, fasting for religion. However, I have no idea how they made it through. The physicality of fasting, the effects it has on your body and what it does to your thoughts (and thought process) are very difficult to understand.  You lose the power to comprehend what has been said; you cannot process your emotions and you have no brain power for trivial details like feeding the cats. I’ve had several physical side-effects from not eating…  A few of those side-effects happened to my tongue, smell, and eyes.

My tongue became (and is still sometimes) very very heavy. Almost like you can’t possibly move it to wet the inside of your mouth – it felt like it weighed about 20 lbs. It became cracked and no matter what I did I could not keep it  or the inside of my mouth moist. Even though I was drinking a large amount of water, I was always thirsty. I always had dry mouth and at times couldn’t form words.  My smell changed. I could smell myself and the smell was more prominent than ever before. At the end of the day, I felt disgusting and stinky… almost as good as the BART train on the ride home.

My eyes were always tired and dry. Again.. I was drinking lots of water… but for some reason – my eyes felt like I hadn’t slept in three days. I think that might have something to do with the amount of sleep I was getting. Even though my body was in bed and my eyes were closed, I often woke up feeling like I hadn’t slept at all. I think your brain does this… it’s processing all of these thoughts and because there are so many of them it needs to work over time. When your brain is still working so hard, it’s difficult to feel as though you’ve slept. There were mornings when I would get out of bed – having not slept at all.

The absolute worse part of all of this… is the idea that I’ve somehow been duped. I’ve become very suspicious of everything that goes on around me. I’m suspicious of people and actions. Even when something good happens – I still think that it’s Michael setting me up for an even bigger fall. On Thursday night, I met a friend in Benicia. I’ve had very little opportunity to talk about daily life. I wanted to talk about something fun – to take my mind off of what is going on at home. When I walked out to my car, I started driving and realized something was very wrong. I stopped the car, got out and discovered both of my passenger side tires had been slashed. At that point, they looked flat – so I thought some punk kid had played a joke. I went to the gas station to fill them with air and noticed the knife slashes.

What kind of person sees a car with two car seats in the back and decides to slash the tires? What if I’d had my boys with me? A psycho does this. This is the type of person who puts kittens in the microwave just to ‘see’ what happens. Of course, my gut instinct felt that I was targeted (for some reason). I have my suspicions about who did this. Instead of having a night out when I could forget my troubles, I was rewarded with a $700 bill from the tire shop and a sneaking suspicion that I better be careful.

Just when you think you couldn’t possibly take anymore, life lites you on fire and says “GO!”


1 Comment

  1. Christina said,

    I know putting this here was hard- I hope you felt better by getting it out. You know I am here for you, babe.
    Please try to eat more. Write it down as a to do. You cant go on this way for long.

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