We’ve reached an all time low point of stupidity in the business of this “divorce.” I was approached today about how we would be splitting the wooden spoons. And picture frames. And the dishes. It’s not that I care, these are merely things that can be replaced. What matters is the manner with which these items are brought up. I liken it to being surprised by a pie in the face. One moment, I’m moving laundry from room to room – the next moment, I’m discussing spoons.
As far as I’m concerned, all of the things can go. I don’t really care. However, I do care about how these discussions are handled and the way they affect me. On the recent trip back home, I had an epiphany (I’m having these a lot lately)… I was really angry with life in general. At every point, someone else was worried about Michael’s feelings – they were concerned for him. Yet, in my perception, there wasn’t a lot of verbal concern for me or my feelings. Then I realized that I was angry because I was still concerned about his feelings. I put his feelings above my own. That’s why I was angry; I couldn’t put my own feelings above him and was mad with RAGE because everyone else in our lives was concerned abou him. I put my feelings below everyone else. I think moms do this a lot. I have two children to raise, their feelings and needs come before mine. But my ex-husband? Who the fuck does he think he is? Who the fuck do I think he is?
He’s not been the best husband, but he’s not been the worst husband either. We just don’t work – we tried and tried… but could never get it right. He blames me for the breakdown of our marriage, I see it as two people failing. He wants to see me “pay” for mistakes… I want to move on. He can have the dishes, the glassware, the spoons; he just won’t have my regard for his feelings. I need to save that for me.