One of my main goals throughout this divorce is to ensure that I don’t change as a person. Well, I take that back – I don’t want to change for the worse. I have a girlfriend who has a friend who is going through a divorce and this woman has become an absolute mess. I’m talking “buying 40’s from 7-11 and wandering the streets drinking it from a brown paper bag” mess. What causes a previously sane woman to buy the cheapest liquor she can find and drink it on the same street her kids go to school on?
I’ll tell you … it’s all the crap her ex has done. People change when they go through a divorce. One of my girls said “If your spouse died, people would be lining up at your door to offer food.” Divorce is different. People don’t know what to say anymore because they become scared of your answer. So scared that 1) you might tell the truth 2) scare the shit out of them with your anger 3) or they might feel compelled to care that your life is falling apart. People don’t want to help someone with something as major as a divorce.
I have been so scared of chasing people away that I have kept a lot of feelings inside. Ok class, what happens when you keep your feelings locked up tight? That’s right! They will try to kill you. People have said ‘why are you crying?’ or “you cried yourself to sleep last night?” with shock and dismay! How dare I be so honest with them – they might feel pity for me! Unacceptable in today’s uncaring society. Honestly, I don’t know how to process my feelings unless I have a good cry. Once that cry happens – watch out! I become so clear and dedicated to cleaning up the mess inside of me – that I have an intensity that scares people.
Why does a good cry help so much? I have no clue. But last night, as I was sitting in the chair getting my hair done I could not stop crying uncontrollably. Am I scared? Yep. Do I want to run and hide? Yep. Am I pissed off? Yep. I will admit that I am not a “nice” angry person. Some people can be angry and are still coherent. You can understand what they say – all of their words make sense. I see RED. For some reason, my voice raises until I’M SPEAKING REALLY LOUD AND GIBBERISH COMES OUT IN INCOMPLETE SENTENCES AND EVERYTHING IS OUT OF ORDER. But man, do I feel good afterwards. In the meantime, the person this anger was directed at is completely freaked out and whimpering in a corner. I don’t like to get really angry, because I am not that good at sorting everything out.
This divorce could change me into a person I don’t even recognize (I’ve seen it happen). Am I able to thwart divorce and it’s nasty after effects? Maybe. Better people than me have tried and failed – but I still have hopes that I will come out a better person for having gone through this process. I also have a positive outlook about the person I want to be after all of the dust has settled… she’ll go something like this:
- I will not be nice to people just because I’m supposed to. I’ve done this my entire life and I’ve been walked on and taken advantage of because of it.
- If I’m angry – gosh darn it (Mom gave me crap for swearing) I’m going to tell you about it.
- I will not put anyone else’s feelings before mine (except my children… they are numero uno and dos)
- I will honor myself with healthy choices, exercise and positive relationships (which… might include a relationship with God… or someone similar – i’m still deciding)
- I will have fun. My marriage hasn’t really been that fun – it’s been really hard and I want fun. I deserve it.
- I will know my limitations. What will I put up with? What will I NOT put up with? I have made a list which I may share at a later date.
Knowing who you are and maintaining that person is so important while your life is in transition. I vowed in December to not lie… to anyone… including Michael… and it has been liberating. It’s also been really really hard. Through this process of not lying I have found my integrity. I have found my strength. Sometimes, it just takes a good cry to remember where you put it.