Honestly, if I knew how hard this was going to be, I’d have kept my mouth shut and lived the rest of my life in a mediocre relationship.
No one deserves mediocre, truly. Everyday I often wonder what the heck (I promised mom no more swearing) is going on – what is really happening with me. I am getting divorced (this from a girl who didn’t believe in divorce) and it’s not easy. It’s probably the hardest thing I’ve ever gone through. Divorce does something to a person – to a family. Maybe I’d feel different if kids weren’t involved, it’s hard to say. I can’t (and won’t) say I’m doing this for my kids, I’m not. I’m doing this for me. I’m not saying I didn’t love Michael, I did – and I do. I just wasn’t happy, wasn’t in love and wasn’t willing to sacrifice myself for the cause.
Both of my grandmothers left their husbands. They had their reasons, I’m sure they were good ones. I was a kid at the time – no one talks to kids, so I have no clue why they left. But they did. I think they may have had some of the same feelings that I’m having now, but again, I was a kid – a miniature mushroom left in the dark. No one talked about anything 30 years ago – you just self medicated and went on with life. Now all of a sudden, you are expected to talk about your feelings – to talk about what happened. It’s healthier – but harder.
The hardest part about all of this is the distance between me and my people.
Brody and I just had a discussion about “mama’s people” who lived everywhere else but where we live. He wondered why we couldn’t have a party. He’s such a social animal, it’s amazing that Evan and I put up with him. So there I am in the Costco parking lot having to explain to my first born why we aren’t having parties all the time. Of course, I layered the truth with thick creamy icing – so that he wouldn’t suspect anything was wrong with his mama. We don’t have parties because my people don’t live here. Plain and simple. He’s a logical kid, that made sense to him. I know there will come a time when I have to admit to Brody that I don’t have parties because I don’t really like having parties. That we’re not having parties because mama can barely keep up with the laundry, nevermind clean the entire house and prepare food for company.
I can’t give him what their dad gives him (everyone who knows my kids knows I’m speaking specifically about Brody -Evan couldn’t give a crap about parties). His dad has an entire family surrounding him. He lives 2 minutes from 10 relatives. My best friend lives 2 hours away and I’m not that good at making new friends; It took me 4 years to find her – which is a pretty good average for me. I have no relatives near me and none of them plan on moving closer. This is not a pity party, this is the truth.
I haven’t been talking lately, mostly bitching to Aronne about my ex. But the truth is, if I don’t get some of this stuff out of my head – I may never sleep again (4 hours just isn’t cutting it, especially with a new job that requires I use my brain).
Part of me (a very very large part) wants to pack everything up and move home. I am going through one of those periods where you need to surround yourself with familiarity and love. I need my mom. I need my dad. I need my people (you know who you are). But since I chose to have babies with a man who lives in a different country than I was raised, I am now suffering the consequences of my actions. Did I think it would end like this? No. Of course not. Everyone gets married and thinks they’ll be married for the rest of their life. I certainly did.
I’m sure my grandmothers thought that way too. It’s just what you do.
My parents (ergo Mom) are quite sensitive to the fact that I am now a single parent. She didn’t say so, but I know my mom has a hard time hearing her daughter is a single parent (especially because she likes Michael so much). Trust me, it’s the last phrase I ever wanted to use to describe myself. My dad is different, he’s a very “matter of fact” kind of guy (just like my Brody), Michael left – so now he’s out – he’s off the island. End of story. Dad’s the guy you call when you need to know how to work the lawn mower or want to be slapped up side the head with the reality of a situation – or when you need to laugh. Admitting to anyone (especially your dad) that your life isn’t how you thought it would be is not that easy. For Dad, the facts are – someone needs to cut the lawn, take out the garbage and feed the boys – get it done. I can admire that, but sometimes you just want someone to tell you everything is going to be okay. He’ll do this – on his own time. I can’t rush it, even though I desperately need him to say it. I need someone I’m going to be okay.
So, how am I feeling? Honestly, I am so overwhelmed with life right now that I’m having a hard time figuring out my feelings. I’m numb most of the time. I’m busy with school and a new job – so taking time out to “feel” is not easy. Usually, it’s my top priority, but there has been so much change lately that I haven’t been able to concentrate on myself. Until things settle down, I’m probably not going to be able to concentrate on myself or moving on from this divorce. That’s just the way life goes. Until then, I’m probably going to feel numb and am probably not going to want to talk about it. That’s just how I roll.