I suck at updating this blog lately. I used to blog all the time, I had a rhythm – I was remotely funny. Now, it seems it’s all I can do to remember my lunch for work. Some days, I forget the damn thing in the fridge and end up having to eat out.
I would have to say, after 8 months or so, that I am still in the process of defining myself and who I am. I am still recovering and still healing. I thought recovering from losing my marriage wouldn’t have taken such a long time. I know 8 months isn’t a long time, I just thought it would take less time than it is taking. It makes me wonder how long it will take. Any soothsayers out there?
In 25 days I am taking the boys to Canada so they can spend a large portion of their summer with my parents. Brody is constantly asking “how many more days” and mom is emailing “26 more days!” I’m not sure what Evan thinks about it, I have a feeling he’s too lazy to even consider pondering what his summer will be like. As long as he can sit on the couch and order up more chocolate milk, I doubt he even cares where he is spending his summer. He could spend it in a box down by the river – as long as that box had a never ending supply of chocolate milk, he’d be happy.
In 32 days, I will be without children for the summer. I have lofty goals:
- Get my poop in a group (it’s been roaming aimlessly)
- Organize the office/craft room
- Have new floors installed (I am dreading the amount of work this means for me)
- Organize the garage (all of Michael’s things MUST go to Michael’s house)
- Personalize the house (this sounds silly, but I’m bored with it and the way it is now reminds me too much of my past life)
- Make some new friends (god darn it!)
- Exercise more and eat better (or exercise better and eat more)
I guess they probably don’t look too lofty, but they feel lofty. Trust me. I currently have as much motivation as Evan does to help me with the household chores (ie. none). I’d also like to do some camping and maybe head to So-Cal to visit some friends. I really wanted to go to my cousin’s wedding but it’s in Edmonton and I didn’t want to risk seeing the boys midway through their visit with my parents for fear they’d want to come home with me. Not that I don’t love them, but I want them to have their summer of freedom – rather than being stuck in daycare the entire time.
Maybe I’ll find the motivation. Maybe once the boys are in Canada I’ll be able to focus on myself and getting things in order. Maybe.
I spent this past weekend in Vancouver visiting a friend. Over the course of the weekend, I discovered that I really don’t have much to talk about. I can carry on conversations if someone else brings up the topic. However, to start a new conversation with someone – well, that’s a completely different ball game.
I have two things that I can talk about. Divorce and children. If I want to be able to carry on intelligent conversations with adults I’m going to need more things to talk about. I told Laura (friend I came to visit) I feel completely uninteresting. I don’t know any gossip, I don’t read a lot of magazines or books (educational hazard), I don’t watch a lot of tv (again, in school – whose got the time?), and I don’t have a lot of friends. So… my entire conversational skills revolve around my divorce, my children, or algebra. Not exactly conversation starters.
As I walk along my current path this is one of those roadblocks that I will need to get around. I don’t know who I am anymore, all the words I used to describe myself no longer apply. I am a single mom – a newly single mom – I’m insecure, totally unconfident, and completely wrapped in my own misery. Alright, where do I start the line for people who’ll want to line up to talk to me?? Over to the left? Anyone??
I’m off to Vegas in a few weeks (YAY) and have decided that I’m going to spend some time researching and discovering who I am and what I like to talk about. I want to have actual topics in place so that I’m not out somewhere and completely unprepared for discussion. God I’m a dork. duh!
One of my main goals throughout this divorce is to ensure that I don’t change as a person. Well, I take that back – I don’t want to change for the worse. I have a girlfriend who has a friend who is going through a divorce and this woman has become an absolute mess. I’m talking “buying 40’s from 7-11 and wandering the streets drinking it from a brown paper bag” mess. What causes a previously sane woman to buy the cheapest liquor she can find and drink it on the same street her kids go to school on?
I’ll tell you … it’s all the crap her ex has done. People change when they go through a divorce. One of my girls said “If your spouse died, people would be lining up at your door to offer food.” Divorce is different. People don’t know what to say anymore because they become scared of your answer. So scared that 1) you might tell the truth 2) scare the shit out of them with your anger 3) or they might feel compelled to care that your life is falling apart. People don’t want to help someone with something as major as a divorce.
I have been so scared of chasing people away that I have kept a lot of feelings inside. Ok class, what happens when you keep your feelings locked up tight? That’s right! They will try to kill you. People have said ‘why are you crying?’ or “you cried yourself to sleep last night?” with shock and dismay! How dare I be so honest with them – they might feel pity for me! Unacceptable in today’s uncaring society. Honestly, I don’t know how to process my feelings unless I have a good cry. Once that cry happens – watch out! I become so clear and dedicated to cleaning up the mess inside of me – that I have an intensity that scares people.
Why does a good cry help so much? I have no clue. But last night, as I was sitting in the chair getting my hair done I could not stop crying uncontrollably. Am I scared? Yep. Do I want to run and hide? Yep. Am I pissed off? Yep. I will admit that I am not a “nice” angry person. Some people can be angry and are still coherent. You can understand what they say – all of their words make sense. I see RED. For some reason, my voice raises until I’M SPEAKING REALLY LOUD AND GIBBERISH COMES OUT IN INCOMPLETE SENTENCES AND EVERYTHING IS OUT OF ORDER. But man, do I feel good afterwards. In the meantime, the person this anger was directed at is completely freaked out and whimpering in a corner. I don’t like to get really angry, because I am not that good at sorting everything out.
This divorce could change me into a person I don’t even recognize (I’ve seen it happen). Am I able to thwart divorce and it’s nasty after effects? Maybe. Better people than me have tried and failed – but I still have hopes that I will come out a better person for having gone through this process. I also have a positive outlook about the person I want to be after all of the dust has settled… she’ll go something like this:
- I will not be nice to people just because I’m supposed to. I’ve done this my entire life and I’ve been walked on and taken advantage of because of it.
- If I’m angry – gosh darn it (Mom gave me crap for swearing) I’m going to tell you about it.
- I will not put anyone else’s feelings before mine (except my children… they are numero uno and dos)
- I will honor myself with healthy choices, exercise and positive relationships (which… might include a relationship with God… or someone similar – i’m still deciding)
- I will have fun. My marriage hasn’t really been that fun – it’s been really hard and I want fun. I deserve it.
- I will know my limitations. What will I put up with? What will I NOT put up with? I have made a list which I may share at a later date.
Knowing who you are and maintaining that person is so important while your life is in transition. I vowed in December to not lie… to anyone… including Michael… and it has been liberating. It’s also been really really hard. Through this process of not lying I have found my integrity. I have found my strength. Sometimes, it just takes a good cry to remember where you put it.