I think if you call someone, they should have the decency to return the call. It seems people have lost their decency these days and as the holidays get closer, the decency level has dropped. Just last week, a woman walked right in front of me and her shoulder clipped mine as she kept walking without even saying a word. I tried to merge on the freeway and almost got sideswiped because the car in the merge lane wasn’t going to let me in.
What is wrong with people? Is it me? I always ask this question first, it’s natural for me to think this thought first. Maybe my expectations for people are too high? Maybe I have unrealistic views of how humans should treat one another? I’m the type of person who will say “bless you” when you sneeze. I’ll ask you if you’d like something to eat or drink when you come to my house. I will let you merge onto the freeway without trying to kill you or your passengers. But I will not put up with rude people who do not have the decency to return phone calls.
You know society has hit an all time low when the mall posts signs in the doorways titled “Common rules of courtesy.”
Does anyone say that anymore? Goings on… huh
It rained last night, it was raining this morning when I woke up. I had big plans for the day – the boys and I were going to get out of dodge. We were going to go sea shell searching (say that 5 times fast). When I heard the rain, I knew our plans were done for. You see, where we live, you need a parka at the beach in August. Add rain to that mess and you’ll have a better time in the arctic – it’d be warmer too.
Both boys have settled into school. I wish I could say I’ve settled into the commute but I have not been able to get this together. I drop Brody off at Michael’s house in the morning and then I take Evan to school. The ride home is brutal. I get off the train, go get Evan and then drive 20-25 minutes to get Brody. Then I get to drive 35 minutes home. It’s a nightmare. By the time we get home we are usually famished. With this comes grumpy and horrible and unruly behavior. Not to mention what the boys are experiencing.
They are growing like WEEDS! Brody lost another tooth and he said there is another one loose. I don’t think the tooth fairy can keep up!
School has been going well, I am at the end of Week 2 – only 7 more to go! These are the last two classes until I receive my associate’s degree. I’ll start my bachelor program in November and tuck in for another two years of intensive classes.
My mom and dad are going to come down in November and help me with the house. Home ownership is overrated! I feel completely overwhelmed by the amount of work that goes into keeping a house and especially keeping a yard. I think it will be different when I am finished with school, but in the meantime, I am struggling. I thought about a landscaping company to come in and keep the yard clean for me, but they wanted $80 a month and I just can’t swing that right now. Plus, I’m going to ask my dad to help me get quotes for eaves (gutters). Michael, as he does, ripped them down but never replaced them. Quotes to women are famous for being over priced and I don’t have the first clue of what to look for in eavestroughs. They are also going to help me plan the backyard. It’s sort of ok right now, but there are some areas that I am stuck with. My mom has a lot of vision when it comes to landscaping and knows tons about plants. She’s got green thumbs, fingers and toes. I’ll post before/after photos.
I’ve been spending most of my free time cultivating relationships with new friends. Suzanne and I have been spending every Wednesday together – it’s been an absolute joy getting to know her better. Together, we have been meeting a lot of people and have formed new friendships with other people in Benicia. They are a group of people who I trust and truly enjoy spending time with. We laugh, we talk, we give advice, we take advice and most importantly – we have fun! So much fun! Ever since the shenanigans with Michael, I have had a hard time trusting people. Especially men. I don’t trust their intentions, I don’t trust what they say. It is definitely something I am working on – but I realize it’s going to take time. In the meantime, I have a great group of friends to help me figure things out. I have a great group of friends to bounce ideas off of. I have a great group of friends to play beer pong (Wii style).
Work has been difficult (to say the least). I thought I was getting more comfortable in my position, understanding more and more about the work I am supposed to – and then I’ll get thrown a fastball. All of a sudden, I’m right back at square one. I like the challenge, I love my boss, I love my company – so I guess it’s not a bad thing. I would just like to be able to participate in meetings and not feel like an idiot. 🙂
Two of the four kittens are still at my house. They are patiently waiting for their new owners to come and get them. In the meantime, they are driving me KRAZEE! They are babies, I get that… but for the love of god can they stay off my curtains/ottoman/couch/dining room table/countertops/computer keyboard/dryer/tv/wii fit board/dvd player? GAWD.
And as cute as they are, hanging out by my bedroom door, sticking their little paws underneath while meowing is getting a little old. Especially at 2:30 am. But it’s way better than the “let’s fight in a paperbag all night” events. Which is really really great (by the way).
As I continue on my journey to freedom (as I lovingly call it), I have become amazed at how one person can disappoint another … and go to such great lengths to achieve that disappointment – so quickly. I am also amazed at how quickly a person can fall out of love with another. It seems to me that falling in love takes an enormous amount of time and energy. You get up each morning, put a smile on your face and completely convince someone else that you are worthy of loving. Worthy of sharing your life with them. Falling out of love was really quick. I liken it to falling off a building. There is nothing to stop the fall – except the cold hard ground. Once you hit that ground, you are expected to get up, dust yourself off and start climbing back up the stairs to the top.
I have had a lot of time to contemplate such thoughts lately… locked away in my bedroom at night while the world passes me by (lord knows I haven’t been doing my homework). Locked inside my head or feeling the emptiness inside my soul, kicking myself for decisions (good and bad) that have shaped my life and the lives of my children. At this point, I don’t think that I have cried nearly enough or have yelled as much as I should… I also think that I should have consummed more alcohol by now… but it’s been surprisingly absent from my life. Having already been down the “alcohol cures everything” road once before (about 15 years ago), I know that it is not the answer to my problems. It merely creates new problems to deal with.
To say that I’ve been the pinnacle of health lately would be a gross exaggeration. In fact, I have lost 12 pounds and cannot remember the last time I had three complete meals in a day. I’m eating like a squirrel – errr probably worse than a squirrel. There are times when I’m starving and will eat and eat… then there are days when I have not had anything more than a diet coke. Trust me, it’s not on purpose. I can safely say that I now understand the power of fasting… mine was unintentional and not for any great cause. Merely suffering with pain and stress.
Physical aspects make fasting impossible to ignore. I have heard of people fasting for a certain cause, fasting as a diet, fasting for religion. However, I have no idea how they made it through. The physicality of fasting, the effects it has on your body and what it does to your thoughts (and thought process) are very difficult to understand. You lose the power to comprehend what has been said; you cannot process your emotions and you have no brain power for trivial details like feeding the cats. I’ve had several physical side-effects from not eating… A few of those side-effects happened to my tongue, smell, and eyes.
My tongue became (and is still sometimes) very very heavy. Almost like you can’t possibly move it to wet the inside of your mouth – it felt like it weighed about 20 lbs. It became cracked and no matter what I did I could not keep it or the inside of my mouth moist. Even though I was drinking a large amount of water, I was always thirsty. I always had dry mouth and at times couldn’t form words. My smell changed. I could smell myself and the smell was more prominent than ever before. At the end of the day, I felt disgusting and stinky… almost as good as the BART train on the ride home.
My eyes were always tired and dry. Again.. I was drinking lots of water… but for some reason – my eyes felt like I hadn’t slept in three days. I think that might have something to do with the amount of sleep I was getting. Even though my body was in bed and my eyes were closed, I often woke up feeling like I hadn’t slept at all. I think your brain does this… it’s processing all of these thoughts and because there are so many of them it needs to work over time. When your brain is still working so hard, it’s difficult to feel as though you’ve slept. There were mornings when I would get out of bed – having not slept at all.
The absolute worse part of all of this… is the idea that I’ve somehow been duped. I’ve become very suspicious of everything that goes on around me. I’m suspicious of people and actions. Even when something good happens – I still think that it’s Michael setting me up for an even bigger fall. On Thursday night, I met a friend in Benicia. I’ve had very little opportunity to talk about daily life. I wanted to talk about something fun – to take my mind off of what is going on at home. When I walked out to my car, I started driving and realized something was very wrong. I stopped the car, got out and discovered both of my passenger side tires had been slashed. At that point, they looked flat – so I thought some punk kid had played a joke. I went to the gas station to fill them with air and noticed the knife slashes.
What kind of person sees a car with two car seats in the back and decides to slash the tires? What if I’d had my boys with me? A psycho does this. This is the type of person who puts kittens in the microwave just to ‘see’ what happens. Of course, my gut instinct felt that I was targeted (for some reason). I have my suspicions about who did this. Instead of having a night out when I could forget my troubles, I was rewarded with a $700 bill from the tire shop and a sneaking suspicion that I better be careful.
Just when you think you couldn’t possibly take anymore, life lites you on fire and says “GO!”
I feel like today is the start of a new beginning for me. I’ve been through some horrible (but necessary) shit this month and I am totally ready to move on. Rather than dwell in the past, I will be moving forward to a new future, a new beginning. Whatever happens, I know that I am a strong woman and will come out of this mess with a clear vision of what I want (and do NOT want) in my life. Thanks to everyone for your support, it’s been difficult. Of course, I know that the “hard” times are not over (in fact, probably far from it) but I need to breathe. I am blessed with great friends, wonderful parents and the best little boys anyone could ever ask for.